Cheating

I should be asleep. Yet here I am, at my desk, my left shoulder is throbbing and I can't bring myself to quit. I'm addicted.

I'm not overly concerned by it. I'm just running out the clock at this point. Mike has been super busy with Jim. Jim is a great friend of his from the most recent start up. They've been climbing mountains and drinking beer. I've been playing computer games and writing.

Jim leaves for the east tomorrow. I hope he enjoyed his visit. I have yet to get him a copy of The Monkeywrench Gang. I'll have to mail it. I wonder if he will like it.

There is just something about being a girl that's making me go sour. Maybe its not so much being a girl as being a girl friend. I felt like the third wheel around the boys this weekend. I'm not the type to get resentful easily, so it isn't a problem. But I was surprised to realize I was uneasy.

I didn't feel like either guy was tired of having me around or anything. I think it is just that I accept Mike has a life apart from me. Seeing him with one of his buddies placed him out of context. Also, since we are generally one of those sickening lovey-dovey kinds of couples, I was self conscious about affection. It seemed like high school again. Next time I get together with Steph I'll have to ask her if she's going thru a kind of deja vu also. Its probably just me because I tend to live a small life. Most of my friends have been situational. I hang out with Bob or sometimes visit with folk from work. Mostly I focus on them and what they think about things. Just like school, when we had lunch room friends. Now that I'm older and my kids are requiring less actual attention I feel the lack of relaxed easy going pals.

Mike has those in spades. The interesting thing is, he doesn't care. I suspect that this is because he is far more interesting than I am. I want outside stimulation. I love stories and "OMG, you won't believe this!" Mike is bored by that. Possibly its because amazing things happen to him all the time. He just wants to come home and relax. I want to mix it up. I like to be entertained.

I love the stories people relish telling. When I was doing massage and a man would get self conscious about his relaxation response, I would ask him about the first time he fell in love. It was amazing to see the change that would come over him. His face would soften and I would hear stories that always emphasized the beauty in people. Also, erections just disappeared. I loved that kind of work. It was a little bit sneaky. Thinking happy thoughts makes people happy. It built my rep as a great massage therapist, so I won't complain.

It seems that the error is most likely with me. It most likely wasn't that the dynamic was thrown off as much as I can't help being a girl. A very silly girl.