Sept. 19, 2005 Real date

Why I Don't Believe in God
by Jamie

Why don't I believe in god? Because if I believed in god I might be inclined to believe in other spookier things. Those things would be ghosts, demons, other bad things and step mothers.
Here I sit, drinking scotch and reliving the exorcism of emily rose. I'm very glad I saw this movie. I love Laura Linney. Or who ever she is.
But it does have a down side. I'm slightly (read extremely) ocd re:superstition and religious mania. I expect that I'm kicking the habit even as I write this because I'm cool like that. Generally I stay far away from things that trigger the anxiety that causes the hours of prayer, thinking and ritual that are the problem. But not big brave jamie, not tonight.
So saw a freaky movie where people choose to believe that demons torture and innocent girl as proof that god exists. Thats the good news and it is purportionally true to the amount of suffering and pain one martyr is willing to endure to prove it. God, via VM offers the girl release from suffering or to continue to suffer to show others the way to god. She, like Christ goes for the suffering. Bad things happening show people the need for god. She chose to sacrifice herself so others would believe. Then you get people like me. Bitches who think she should have called a fucking truce with god. Told him to get his shit together and call detente with evil.
I wouldn't make a very good martyr. I wouldn't want anyone to win. Let people think for themselves. Sacrifice is blood given to save someone-not influence their beliefs. Risk killing myself by pushing someone out of traffic, sure. Die in horrible pain because evil incarnate can take over my body? Not so much.
Dying is easy-I think. I'll find out because my application to work with hospice came in the mail today. The process of dying seems very hard, mostly because people need meaning. We, most of us, are scared shitless of uncertainty. The emptiness of death is one big river of it. We allow people pretty lies most of their lives and that doesn't end when we need them the most. I expect I'll have some really great ones keeping me going by then. I'm not going to give them up on my death bed-I guarantee it.
So god=love and good
love and good suggest hate and bad
hate and bad=evil therefore indirectly god is the root cause of all evil. God needs something to push against. Maybe people create evil, but as i learned in my college philosophy class, people also create god. Religion isn't so much a way to promote good as to keep evil in check. That's not just the Baptists talking, either.
I want something to believe. I really do. I want something magical and personal. I want to be noticed and important. But as a friend says "If everything is special, nothing is special." And as I learned in some bible study or another, Lucifer was the favored son of god until the big hoha and he got kicked out of heaven. I won't believe for a minute that god both loves us and hates us enough to kick us out on our own even if we are devils. Best I'm willing to admit is that he's pretty overworked and sort of indifferent. We all kind of look alike, he provides pretty well and spend Sundays with us if we're willing to go to church. Otherwise I take comfort that we're mostly all alone. We mostly matter to each other. Hooray, some of us are willing to die to show that god loves us or that George Bush is right about Iraq. Others (some the same people, mind you) are willing to show the we love each other by caring, giving, helping taking care of ourselves, our families and strangers. I'd rather have some generous millionaire taking care of me than some ascetic saint.
I'm pretty sure that this whole entry is entirely blasphemous. I apologize to god and whomever else might care to read this. If nothing else, it should stand as proof to any demons that I'm already going to hell. You don't need to drop by my house and possess me. Stick a fork in me boys. I'm done.

Sept. 8, 2005

Hooray! I finally get a quiet moment and access to the computer. My youngest is a budding Faulkner. She gets up early to read and write fanfic.

Now I can't think of anything to write.